GRR: News is Our Territory.™
GRR Mission Statement
At GRR, we strive to bring you the finest news as it happens. The GRR News website is a distillation of the state of the world: What you need to know, when you need to know it - and not a word more. We know you have a short attention span, and we also know you stopped reading this after the first sentence, so we don't need to waste any more time on platitudes.
GRR History
The story of GRR’s progression from decidedly humble beginnings to premier cable news network of the animal kingdom is a fantastic tale that beggars belief. Indeed, on the advice of counsel we will refrain from printing the whole sordid thing. Here instead is a brief timeline that a number of media historians have called “more or less accurate, pretty much:”
1932: In a rural area of Ohio, the Grains and Roughage Report is founded as a tip sheet for hungry cattle during the Depression.
1938: New ownership and an investment in new technology cause the company to change its name to Grains and Roughage Radio. The focus on edible grass remains, but there is also swing music.
1947: With a stranglehold on the vegetarian news, GRR makes a calculated effort to lure omnivores and carnivores with a huge publicity campaign centered around the name Good Runnin’ Roughage. The notion of prey as “running roughage” does not catch on, and is often cited as a catalyst for the Prey Rights movement.
1955: An international emphasis on “traditional values” leads to a focus on the everyday lives of GRR’s oldest target demographic: cattle. The name is changed to Global Ruminant Report and the content of the broadcast expands to include subjects other than cud. Significantly, GRR also invests in their first TV equipment during this era.
1968: In a decade marked by social upheaval, GRR rolls with the punches, upgrading to a full-color TV broadcast and expanding their scope to cover news of general interest to many different species. Hoping to appeal to the younger generation, management changes the station name to Groovy Reality Report and expand coverage of pop culture.
1970: After several decades of increasingly labored acronyms, management officially changes GRR’s name to GRR, which stands for nothing. Ratings shoot through the roof.
1974: GRR management makes the switch from free network to paid cable channel. It is a bold, pioneering move, which is a polite way of saying it brought the station to the brink of bankruptcy.
1980: A young reporter named Woodchuck Chumley joins the GRR staff. Nothing will ever be the same. For more on this period of GRR’s existence, see Woodchuck Chumley’s forthcoming autobiography, I, Woodchuck Chumley.
Meet the GRR Staff
Woodchuck Chumley: Winner of the Lifetime Achievement award for Excellence in Gravitas, Woodchuck Chumley is considered the godfather of animal TV news broadcasters. Gallop polls show 95% of animals prefer to get their TV news from the woodchuck who's been at it longer than anyone else. He began as a weather-woodchuck on a public-access broadcast out of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. With his natural sense of poise, an orator’s gift for language, and one good suit, he quickly graduated to reporter and then anchor. Career highlights include his on-air exposé of Russian moles in government, his controversial report about bald eagles and their “mile-high club,” and his emotional broadcast after his brother was eaten by a komodo dragon.
Juliet: As Woodchuck Chumley's anchor-partner, Juliet is often deputized to be the Reporter On The Scene at major news events, especially if the scene in question happens to be dangerous, cold, or inconvenient. Her on-camera demeanor - bubbly, exuberant, but always professional - is legendary among animal journalists.
Rusty: Rusty has been employed by GRR since before anyone can remember. In fact there is a certain amount of circumstantial evidence that would seem to indicate he founded the station. Unfortunately, that was a long time ago, and Rusty can't recall if he's still everyone's boss or if he was forced out in a hostile takeover. He handles the weather.
Nipsy: Nipsy is a well-spoken and well-fed gator from the deep south, where he has witnessed firsthand, sir, the terrible injustices of the Lion's corrupt monarchy on the animal in the swamp. He simultaneously celebrates the idea of politicians looking out for the little guy and a paranoid distrust of anyone who claims to do so. Of GRR’s two staff pundits, he is the one more likely to compose an insulting poem.
Eartha: Always confrontational and usually condescending, Eartha is the counterpoint pundit, the yang to Nipsy’s yin. She is a fashion plate and tends toward flashy (but not tacky) modern clothing; she always looks like she's on her way to a nightclub. She is more than happy to mention which endangered species her designer coat is made from; if she's in a particularly antagonistic mood she will claim to have shot them herself.
Additional GRR Correspondents
Gertrude Spine: Gertrude is a lofty goat. She’s lived in Paris and is extremely well read—she’s eaten many books. She likes the café scene because people are always dropping scones and croissants (and madeleines) and tipping over glasses of wine. She occasionally finds fine, silken scarves, which she has been known to devour in a single sitting. While talented, she’s a true Bohemian and eats mostly books left at cafes once the drunken owners have left them behind. She’s a bit of a braggart, but she knows her stuff.
Pollard: The stock summary and Q&A stock go-to guy is a pig named Pollard, from Glastonbury, UK. He worked on the exchange for twenty years before turning to financial (or resource) journalism. He is methodical and patient. Uses history and philosophy to earn readers’ confidence. Quite the gentleman.
Gizelle: A lanky and beautiful antelope who never misses a party, even if she doesn’t attend. Her presence is always felt. While some have suggested her columns are ghostwritten by her editor, you can’t ghostwrite legs like that.
Zeno: Zeno hails from an educated, cultured pod that dwells in the Amvrakikos Gulf of Greece. He was never much for literature and art, to the dismay of his mother Zelda, but instead, at an early age, took a liking to engineering and technology when his father was outfitted with a sonar research device. Zeno removed the transmitter and attached it to sea turtles and fast-moving squid and octopi. Zeno reviews and previews all types of gadgets and widgets.
Alfred B. Du Maurier: Alfred was born and raised in California and attended University in Germany, outside of Berlin. He’s a profound study of character and admits, somewhat reluctantly, that obituary writing appeals to his insatiable appetite for the macabre. In his spare time he is working on a novel about life and death and the futility of it all.
GRR News and Wideload
Wideload Games first encountered GRR News during the research and preproduction phase for their upcoming party game, Hail to the Chimp. Realizing the incredible value of GRR as a news resource, Wideload quickly began negotiations to bring GRR’s news content to the human internet for the first time.
GRR News would like to thank our friends at Wideload who have helped us in this exciting new venture. We hope this is the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship.
GRRnews.com Staff
CEO Alexander Seropian
President and Publisher Thomas Kang
Editor-in-Chief Matt Soell
Writer-in-Residence Lauren Gonzalez
Artistic and Photographic Services Juan Ramirez
Site Design and Layout Erin and Philip Schiffman
Information Technology Robert Sogomonian
Gofer Justin Fischer
If you like GRR News and would like to see more of it, be sure to support Wideload’s generous philanthropic efforts to disseminate quality animal journalism by purchasing a copy of their upcoming opus Hail to the Chimp. It is based largely on information gleaned from Wideload’s intensive study of GRR News broadcasts, and can be considered an authoritative source of information about the reality of politics in the animal kingdom.
Stubbs the Zombie is pretty cool too. Buy that as well.
